I immediately thought of you, Sabine and R, when I came across the Bodhran Boys just now

A few days ago, I took a walk up the hill in the early morning to Big Rock Garden, a small beautiful neighborhood park.  It's been awhile since I walked there. A large dolmen was placed there some years ago. I was the only person in the park as I walked the trails among rhododendrons, azaleas, Japanese maples, cedars, one Sierra redwood tree, and a collection of outdoor sculptures.  As I sat down on a bench and looked at the dolmen, I suddenly felt the presence and absence of R on the bench next to me.

I wonder if the day will ever come that I don't feel moved to write about the love I had for a man whose life was taken over by alcoholism and drug addiction before and after his return from Vietnam in December 1970.  Yesterday would have been 50 years of marriage, had my R and I married, but that wasn't meant to be.

His father was Irish.  His mother was German and Swedish.  He had an uncle on his father's side who belonged to Alcoholics Anonymous.  Of his 9 siblings, all but two (his sisters) suffered from alcoholism and drug addiction.  An older brother committed suicide.

In April, it was 10 years since R died of complications of alcoholism, drug abuse, Agent Orange exposure, a brainstem stroke, and cancer that metastasized to his brain.

We were together in Hawaii on this day in July 1970.  I had flown from San Francisco.  He had flown from near the DMZ in Vietnam.

Although we did not live together after May 1971, I continue to reflect on the mystery of his presence and absence in my life and how that shaped who I have become.

"... They spent many happy hours and then the night closed in, and the holy ground took care of everything ...

"... it didn't come true in the end, they went their separate ways.  He couldn't change what he was.  She wasn't ready to wait.



When you see the way Mary Black smiles at the end of the song, know that I am whole and healed.  Although I don't know that he ever saw a bodhran, in my mind's eye I can see my R playing one now with those Irish boys.  I can see that light in his eyes that I have never forgotten.

"... I remember the loving time and nothing else really counts."

THE THINGS THEY CARRIED #1

After receiving the "I Love You" Series, I received seven more images, either drawn on the front side of envelopes which were addressed on the back side, or as part of handwritten letters. I believe that most of these drawings arrived in the early days of RTN's time in Vietnam. We wrote a letter to each other every day that he was gone. Ten months after he returned from Vietnam, we separated for a second and final time, remaining friends. Not long after that, I burned the approximately 335 letters he had sent from Vietnam, saving only his drawings. I knew that if I carried those letters with me, I would never go on with my life. Nevertheless, the grief that followed that separation lasted a long, long time. As hard as I tried, I never completely went on with my life. I'm still working on that, only now beginning to feel the holy ground beneath my feet again.


THE LOVING TIME

It reads like a fairytale
and that's what it was
Young man in his prime
young girl from the cross
The most perfect of strangers
and then the night closed in
and the holy ground took care of everything

Now she was a fine one
and he was a handsome man
One look was enough
and away they ran
They spend many happy hours
and then the night closed in
and the holy ground took care of everything

Oh what's the use in complaining
In for a penny in for a pound
I remember the loving time
and nothing else really counts

And I recall the promise they made
With a faith I can but admire
That she'd be the one he adored
and he'd be her hearts desire

It didn't come true in the end
they went their separate ways
He couldn't change what he was
she wasn't ready to wait
They couldn't live in the daylight
they let the night close in
and the holy ground took care of everything

I remember the loving time
and nothing else really counts

(Lyrics by Noel Brazil, sung by Mary Black -- If you'd like to listen to a clip, scroll down here)

A view of today: