Showing posts with label let them speak for themselves. Show all posts
Showing posts with label let them speak for themselves. Show all posts
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Josephine's mandalas: #21 of 21
7/12/91
Air Baloons
Yarmulkas
Spinning tops
Dyed Eggs
?
(click on image for additional details)
Thanks to all who have followed along with this series, especially robin andrea.
I am grateful that my mother didn't destroy this series of mandalas that would have upset my father if had he been aware of them. I am grateful to have been able to share these mandalas on my blog.
My mother's earliest creative efforts involved writing. From childhood, she dreamed of being a writer. If I remember correctly, in the last years of my mother's life her creative energy went into Norwegian pattern knitting. The only writing she did in her last years, that I know of, was writing letters.
In 1966, at age 50, she had finished a poem she had begun at age 48. The original version of the poem ended with these lines:
... "What means Gethsemane?"
The Inspiration fled. Was God its source?
So be it.
Then rich I am having felt His force.
In the final version:
... "What means Gethsemane?"
The answers rise and fall like waves. I wait.
Then blindly stumble on towards heaven's gate.
In the years between 1966 and 1989, having lost the Inspiration, she redirected her abundant energy to creations that didn't involve words. It is occurring to me this morning that with the mandalas, she was combining words and images -- not poetry exactly but something like it. Traditional mandalas don't have words in them. There were still words that needed to come through her, but they presented themselves to her in this process.
Who knows why she started making mandalas sometime in 1989 and stopped making them in July of 1991 and went back to working with color and pattern without words. Who knows what turned her away from Christianity and moved her toward Judaism? I know that she found joy and solace and meaning in her last years by celebrating Jewish holy days in secret.
This pillow was one of her many handmade gifts to me during her steady output of Norwegian pattern knitting in her last years:
My mother continued to ask questions. I know that for sure. She was an artist and spiritual seeker. She lives on for me in the words she wrote and the things she made with her hands.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Josephine's mandalas: #19 of 21
1/21/91
Martin Luther King Day
... I have a dream ...
(click on image for additional details)
Listen
"Freedom Highway"
March for freedom's highway
March each and every day
Made up my mind and I won't turn around
Made up my mind and I won't turn around
There is just one thing
I can't understand my friend.
Why some folk think freedom
Was not designed for all men.
Yes I think I voted for the right man
Said we would overcome.
(lyrics by Pops Staples -- 1962)
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Josephine's mandalas: #18 of 21
1/18/91
Gulf War
U.S.
Iraq
Kuwait
Baghdad
Jordan
Saudi Arabia
Israel
Tel Aviv
Jerusalem
(click on image for additional details)
am's notes: On January 18, 1991, Iraq launched SCUD missiles on Israel. The U.S. deployed Patriot missiles to Israel and Saudi Arabia. See Gulf War link above for additional context for this mandala.
This process of sharing my mother's mandalas is transformative. Perhaps it is time to begin to make some mandalas of my own. I do have two drawings (one from 1999 and one from 2007) that would be my mandala #1 and #2. They were inspired by a book about healing that I bought in 1999 during a time of turmoil and little inner peace in my life.
It has just occurred to me that I made my first mandala in 1999 in a room in a motel on the north end of Arcata, California, just off of Highway 1 and that I also stayed in Gualala during that time and worked on the exercises in the book there as well.
As the end of 1999 approached, I had been seriously thinking about moving to Humboldt County, and I stayed there for the most part from late September to the end of October, also spending about a week in Gualala in Mendocino County, which was another place I thought I might like to live. The events leading to my being in a motel room in Arcata are coming back to me now.
In spring of 1998, I had found myself feeling so distraught that I left my work station at the Catholic hospital where I was employed as a transcriptionist, and I went to talk with a social worker who was employed in Pastoral Care as a chaplain. She was a Roman Catholic nun from the order of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Peace.After talking with her, I went to the non-denominational hospital chapel (with its wooden altar built by a fine woodworker who identified as both Jewish and atheist) and sat quietly in meditation until I was able to return to my work station. As a result of leaving my work station without letting anyone know where I had gone, I was sharply reprimanded and sent for mandatory counseling through the hospital's employee assistance program and from there I was referred to a Gestalt therapist in Bellingham. Now I'm wondering if that therapist was the one who suggested the book to me.
Since the spring of 1998, I had been working with that therapist on emotional issues after the suicide of a former boyfriend (we were together briefly in our early 20s) on his 50th birthday in December of 1997 in Bellingham and also because of my increasingly strained and demoralizing relationship with my father after my mother's death and my distress in connection with my Richard's rapid descent into late stage alcoholism which had involved prison time. I had distanced myself from Richard for my own safety, but he remained a constant presence in my psyche.
As a result of living with Richard during the first five months after his return from Vietnam in 1970 and as a result of a terrifying episode while talking with him over the phone on Veterans Day 1989 during the Gulf War, as well as my anguish in response to the Gulf War, it became increasingly clear that I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.
In the spring of 1999, in a futile attempt to sort out the mess that my life had become, I abruptly quit my job at the hospital and cashed out my IRA that I had been building up for 14 years. I thought that a new career or moving back to California, specifically Humboldt County, might be the answer. Spending a month in Humboldt County seemed like a good idea. Certainly the solace of the ocean and the redwoods would heal me.
Because I found myself in severe emotional distress despite being in one of my favorite places on the earth, I went to the hospital in Eureka and talked with a hospital chaplain who referred me to a counselor in Arcata who helped me during that month in which I realized that I was in no shape to move alone to Humboldt County.
Just now, I found my copy of the book that prompted me to make my first mandala. My notes in the book show that I bought The Mythic Path, by David Feinstein and Stanley Krippner, in July of 1999 and that I may have finished the exercises in January of 2000. The last page that I dated was January 23, 2000. In December of 1999, against my better judgment, I had impulsively contacted Richard in California and was shocked to learn that he had been diagnosed with oat cell carcinoma in his neck and throat and had undergone drastic surgery at Stanford University Hospital. To my dismay, there was no word from him again until September 2001 when he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, and I flew to California to visit with him at his parents' home, where he was living at the time. In spring of 2002, his cancer went into remission, and he began drinking heavily and using drugs again. Again, for my own safety, I had to keep my distance from him.
In 2007, in a time of increasing inner turmoil and intermittent severe migraine headaches, close to a year before my Richard died, I went through the exercises in the book again and made a second mandala. With a little research, I see that I was moved by this poem at about the same time.
Now in 2014, I can say that my daily experience contains close to an equal measure of inner peace and inner turmoil. The yin-yang symbol has meaning for me. Oneness. The balance of darkness and light. Dynamic. Alive.
For so much of my life, I had very little sense of having any inner peace and only experienced unceasing inner turmoil. Right now I'm wondering how life was for my mother. What was the balance for her? I don't think she found the peace she sought, but she did continue her creative output in a way that has eluded me since the First Gulf War.
The years between 1980 and 1989 resulted in nearly 200 drawings and paintings coming through me. What a shock to do the math and see that 25 years have gone by since that unprecedented period of creativity. I will be 65 years old in October.
Then I remembered this:
"From the age of 6 I had a mania for drawing the shapes of things. When I was 50 I had published a universe of designs. But all I have done before the age of 70 is not worth bothering with. At 75 I'll have learned something of the pattern of nature, of animals, of plants, of trees, birds, fish and insects. When I am 80 you will see real progress. At 90 I shall have cut my way deeply into the mystery of life itself. At 100, I shall be a marvelous artist. At 110, everything I create; a dot, a line, will jump to life as never before. To all of you who are going to live as long as I do, I promise to keep my word. I am writing this in my old age. I used to call myself Hokusai, but today I sign myself "The Old Man Mad About Drawing."
-- Katsushika Hokusai (1760-1849)
Since December 2006, blogging has been keeping my creative energy alive, although it has resulted in only a few drawings and paintings. Here are my top 10 blog labels:
- Bob Dylan (73)
- gouache (46)
- Arches watercolor paper (41)
- 42 years: a book of changes (39)
- watercolor (38)
- Appleworks6 "Painting" (22)
- my mother (19)
- ocean (18)
- George Harrison (16)
- mandala series (16)
- gratitude (13)
- gouache and watercolor (12)
- let them speak for themselves (12)
- thomas merton (11)
- Georgia O'Keeffe (10)
- John Muir (10)
- Martin Luther King Jr (10)
- Vincent Van Gogh (10)
- life drawing (10)
- walking (10)
Here are the last twenty of a long long list of labels identified with a single post:
- wood s lot (1)
- working at home (1)
- working or playing or something else?(1)
- works in progress (1)
- writing (1)
- x = x (1)
- yahi (1)
- yana (1)
- year of the horse (1)
- years (1)
- yikes (1)
- yoga teacher training (1)
- yogascittavrttinirodhah (1)
- you can't catch death (1)
- young poets (1)
- yusef komunyakaa (1)
- zen (1)
- βιος (1)
- 和平 (1)
- 鲍勃•迪伦 (1)
Thank you to anyone who read this far. I didn't expect to write so much when I sat down 6 hours ago.
Thank you to my mother for giving me a perspective on keeping the creative process alive in times of turmoil.
Porch meditation: Summer-blooming Amaryllis
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Josephine's mandalas: #17 of 21
12/11/90 - 12/18/90
Hanukah
Shalom
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Latkes
Gimel
Nun
Dreidel
Shin
Kislev 25
Menorah
Nes Gadol Haya Sham
(click on image for additional details)
This post is dedicated to Velveteen Rabbi. I wish my mother were still alive so that I could share Rachel's blog with her and that I could talk with my mother in a way we couldn't while she was alive.
My mother let her inner turmoil as well as her inner peace be made visible in this series of mandalas created in the last years of her life.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Josephine's mandalas: #16 of 21
5/31/90
Anchor Bay
Maxine R.
"Vinny"
"Lady"
Jeni and Mike H.
(click on image for additional details)
am's note: Anchor Bay is a few miles north of where my parents lived in the southwestern corner of Mendocino County. My parents enjoyed visiting the beach at the Anchor Bay Campground and brought family and friends to that beach. The names on this mandala are those of a friend of my mother, those of two dogs, and those of the couple who managed the campground then, and manage it to this day, as far as I can tell.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Josephine's mandalas: #15 of 21
5/30/90
Shavuot
6/1/90
Narcolepsy Mandala
(Following
I and II)
Finished
later in
day with
colors
and
notes.
(All of
the Roman
Numerals
were
done
during
"sleep")
Shavuot
49 days
Omer
to
Sinai
7 weeks
1. -- once
2. -- once
3. -- 2 times
4. -- once
5. -- once
7. -- once
8. -- 3 times
9. -- 5 times
10. -- 5 times
11. -- 2 times
12. -- 2 times
13. -- 3 times
14. -- 1
15. -- 1
16. -- 1
17. -- 1
VI
6 missing
No 6
The Ten Commandments - Exodus 20 - Moses
am's notes: The 6th Commandment is "Thou Shalt Not Murder." The Ten Commandments are the first ten of 613 commandments given by God to the Jewish people.
Despite taking Dexedrine on a daily basis from 1954 until her unexpected death of a massive heart attack in 1994, it is clear that my mother never found complete relief from narcolepsy. I'm not sure how she was able to stay awake during the time she held jobs in her 20s and early 30s, before marrying. Before her daily dose of Dexedrine was prescribed, it must have been extremely difficult for her to struggle to stay awake while trying to be a wife and mother of very young children in the years from 1949 to 1954. On the other hand, the emotional side effects of Dexadrine were devastating to her, and to us, her three daughters. She was alternately giddy and full of amphetamine-fueled energy, unable to stay awake, prone to rage, and a creative well-intentioned mother.
It is intriguing that my mother's narcolepsy determined the course of her enigmatic 15th mandala. By the time she was 74, my mother was not taking as much Dexadrine as she had when we were growing up, but she took enough on a daily basis so that she could drive a car without having to worry about falling asleep at the wheel.
My Amaryllis plant only bloomed during winter the first year I had it. Every year after the danger of frost is over I put it out on my porch, and it blooms during July or August. I took this photo a few days ago. The first of the three flowers has not yet opened as of today, but it is getting close to opening.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Josephine's mandalas: #14 of 21
5/27/90
The music goes down and around
And it comes out here
1929-1930
(click on image for additional details)
(click on image for additional details)
Friday, August 1, 2014
Josephine's mandalas: #13 of 21
4/10/90
Pesah ...
Exodus
Hametz
Karpas
Haroset
Maror
Haggadah
Passover
Wine
Beitzah
Elijah's cup
Afikomen Seder
Salt
... Shemah, Yisrael, Adonai Eloheynu Adonai, Echad ...
... Hear, Oh Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One ...
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Josephine's mandalas: #12 of 21
5/9/90 - Full Moon AT APOGEE
Towards full -- waxing
Towards new - waning
1 revolution
from new moon
to new moon
29 days 12 hours
Luna Diana
The
Moon
Hunter's moon Harvest moon
Low tide High tide
Elliptical
Wax
Orbit
Set
Earth
Rise
Satellite
Wane
Eclipse
New
Crescent
First Quarter
Gibbous
Full
Gibbous
Last Quarter
Crescent
Sidereal Month:
1 revolution in
relation to a fixed star
27 1/3 days
P . . Perigee - closest to Earth
(click on image for additional details)
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
Josephine's mandalas: #10 of 21
2/23/90
You are looking at Jupiter watching the Dog nipping at the Hunter's heels as the Hunter pursues the Bull ...
(click on image for additional details)
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Josephine's mandalas: #9 of 21
2/22/90
Year of the Horse
(click on image for additional detail)
2014 is also a year of the horse (mă in Pinyin).
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Friday, July 25, 2014
Josephine's mandalas: #7 of 21
2/10/90 - Turtle Island
- Tu Bishvat - (Shevat 15)
See 11/2/89
(click on image for additional details)
For the rest of this series, I'm going to let my mother's mandalas speak for themselves.
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